“President Trump on Saturday called for the cancellation of a concert series celebrating the nation’s 250th birthday this summer, after a wave of musicians pulled out. ‘Cancel it,’ Mr. Trump wrote on Truth Social, adding ‘We should have a giant MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN RALLY, for 250, instead of having overpriced singers, who nobody wants to hear, whose music is boring, and yet who do nothing but complain.’” – from a May 30th article in The New York Times
Citizens of the United States and Friends1 –
The administration, which is the best and most competent administration in this nation’s 250-year history, is officially canceling the Freedom 250 Concert Series because several of the musicians have chosen to drop out like the unpatriotic communists that they are. In its place, the administration will be hosting “Trumpapalooza: The America is Back Rally” on the White House grounds during the week leading up to the nation’s semiquincentennial. The action-packed extravaganza, sponsored by MyPillow and ExxonMobil, and catered by a D.C.-area McDonalds, is open to the public2 and will feature a slew of affordable3 America-first events that the whole family can enjoy, including:
- Trump, The VR Experience: Ever wonder what a day-in-the-life is like for America’s greatest president? Strap on a pair of virtual reality goggles and see through Trump’s eyes as he sweats profusely during a round of golf in Florida, stuffs cheap hamburgers into his mouth, fires off ALL CAPS Truth Social posts at two a.m., and struggles to bend over in the morning to pull up his triple XL briefs.
- A Meet-and-Greet with J6ers: Hosted by Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, attendees will have a chance to chat with their favorite J6 patriots, including Baked Alaska and Richard Barnett. Select J6ers will be unavailable due to subsequent arrests since their pardons.
- The Art of the Con: Curious about how President Trump made his fortune? Settle in as Don Junior breaks down how you, too, can amass an obscene amount of wealth through strategic short and long cons, just like his father. Tickets start at $1,000 per half-hour. The event will last 10 hours4.
- ICE Job Fair: Do you have a working circulatory system and love your country? Grab a gun and join ICE. No experience preferred.
- Pin the Tail on the Leftist: What could be better than jabbing sharp objects into lifelike buttcheeks of radical left scumbags? Make Gavin Newsom, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Bernie Sanders squeal like you wish you could in real life.
- Look at that Ugly Thing: Why Wind and Solar Suck but Oil Don’t: It’s just plain facts: coal and oil are pristine, while solar and wind are hideous and also kill trillions of birds per year, most of them adorable little chicks. Flights of cold-pressed crude oil, provided by ExxonMobil, will be served to demonstrate its palatability and harmlessness.
- Outrun the Gator!: Do you have what it takes to escape Alligator Alcatraz? Throw on a pair of sandals and see if you can make it out of the swamplands alive.
Vice President J.D. Vance will also be hosting a likely underattended seminar about how to wield a properly manicured beard in conjunction with GLP-1s and flexible moral principles to impress the father figure you’ve always longed for. Vance’s lecture was originally scheduled to last two hours, but has since been slashed to 17 minutes because President Trump is sending him to the Middle East in an attempt to end a war that, as we’ve stated in the past, isn’t actually a war and was over within the hour it started. J.D. isn’t happy about having to go back over there, but of course we wish him the best of luck on his fun-filled little excursion.
In addition to these wholesome activities, President Trump will be signing an executive order to replace the current American flag, which he called “very dumb and old and probably WOKE,” with a giant red, white, and blue middle finger, personally doodled on a sheet of looseleaf paper. The middle finger design was one of two that were being considered for the new flag, the other being a gator chasing a beleaguered immigrant across a swamp, also hand-doodled by Trump. The president loved the second design so much that he demanded a use for it, so he’ll be signing a follow-up executive order to create a new state called “TRUMPLANDIA,” which will be cobbled together from farmland in Arkansas, Mississippi, and Louisiana that has gone belly-up since Liberation Day. Americans need not worry about the legality of creating a new state solely through the executive branch: the administration casually ran it by Congress and the Supreme Court, and they just winked and said go for it.
Vice President J.D. Vance will also be hosting a likely underattended seminar about how to wield a properly manicured beard in conjunction with GLP-1s and flexible moral principles to impress the father figure you’ve always longed for.
The week will conclude with the man, the myth, the legend – Donald John Trump – competing in a cagematch, sponsored by FanDuel, with the hologram of George Washington. President Trump has been training hard with UFC President Dana White on the oval office floor for the past several months, so expect Trump to obliterate ol’ Georgie Dubs then stand on his translucent chest like that woman with the exposed tit on the Virginia flag. Once Trump knocks out Washington, the sitting president will then show off his softer, more artistic side by dressing up as frumpy, late-era Elvis – who was never as popular as Trump – to perform several of the King’s most famous tunes, including “Jailhouse Rock” and “A Big Hunk o’Love.” Vanilla Ice, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle (I’m not kidding), is expected to make a guest appearance and perform his biggest hit, “Get Your Ass Up.”
The night will conclude around 3 a.m., give or take, depending on how sleepy the president is feeling, with a bonfire fueled by books that feature even the faintest whiff of gayness or wokeness. Attendees are encouraged to bring their own pre-purchased literature, included but not limited to Gender Queer: A Memoir and Antiracist Baby, to add to the blaze. Works of art that promote diversity in even the most benign ways will also be accepted as fuel. The grand finale will begin with Vice President Vance, who should be back from the Middle East if he’s good at his job, hoisting the new middle-finger flag – which will heretofore be known as the “red, white, and F you” – up the pole on the White House lawn. Attendees will be invited to gather around the book-fire and sing the new fight song for TRUMPLANDIA, which I swear Trump wrote all by himself (a true renaissance man!) despite bearing a coincidental resemblance to “America, The Beautiful.” To wit:
O beautiful, for smoky skies
For tariffed yields of grain,
For fracky mountain majesties
Above the parchéd plain!
TRUMPLANDIA! TRUMPLANDIA!
Trump shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with MAGA-hood
From sea to rising sea!
We hope to see all you beautiful Americans5 there.
With dignity,
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt
1. Get bent, Tucker Carlson.
2. Only loyalists who have not spoken ill of the president will be allowed entry. Everyone else will be rounded up and beaten with barbed canes. Tucker, don’t even think about it.
3. Entry tickets start at $650, with tickets to each individual event ranging in price from $700-1,000. Children receive a discounted rate of $615. All funds will directly benefit the new White House Ballroom, which will not only be the greatest ballroom in human history but also vital for the president’s safety, somehow.
4. Purchase of a ticket does not guarantee entry. No refunds.
5. Trump loyalists who have never been even mildly critical of the president.
Ourland 
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