Ourland

Citizens of the United States and Friends*:

As you all know, the current administration, which is the strongest and most competent administration in the 250-year history of this great country, is in negotiations to end the Iran War, which we’ve already won, and also expect to win sometime within the next two weeks to five years. Iran’s nuclear capabilities were utterly obliterated, have been obliterated since last year’s Twelve-Day War, and as such we are engaged in diplomatic talks to ensure that its nuclear stockpile will soon be obliterated. We appreciate the public’s overwhelming support** of this war, which was never actually a war, per se, but more like a pleasant little excursion into the Middle East. This president guaranteed no new wars, and he will never betray that promise to the American people. Mark my words: this war isn’t a war, has never been a war, and will never be a war, no matter what the liberal media, Fox News, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Rand Paul, Thomas Massie, Tucker Carlson, and pretty much everyone else is saying. Do not believe the lies.

As our well-endowed and teetotaling Secretary of War so eloquently put it, $25 billion is a small price to pay to ensure the ongoing safety of our citizenry. We made the strategic decision to strike Iran because we were under a grave and imminent threat from a country that we’ve been at odds with for 50 years and is located on the opposite side of the world. Iran had its nuclear warheads – which, again, we destroyed last year, and then again this year – pointed directly at Washington, and Ayatollah Khomeini’s finger was hovering over the red “launch” button, when President Trump busted down the door and executed a perfectly-timed elbow drop, ala Rey Mysterio. Our nation’s capital would be a nuclear wasteland right now had the president not honed his wrestling moves on WWE. Every American should be proud that they finally have a leader who isn’t a wimpy loser like the other 45 beta-cucks who have inhabited the White House over the past quarter-millenia. We’re the hottest country in the world right now; so hot, in fact, that no other country wants to touch us.

I’m happy to inform you that we beautifully achieved our singular goal in the Middle East, which was definitely regime change, I think. Ayatollah Khomeini is dead as a dog…and so are all of the guys we were considering as replacements. Now Khomeini’s son is in charge, which if you really think about it, technically means the regime has changed. As we’ve stated time-and-time again, regime change was never the goal: the only reason we entered into this non-war was because Israel convinced us we had to do it***. We’re also proud to announce that oil is flowing through the Strait of Hormuz like never before, and that the Strait will open very soon, probably. Any historian worth their salt will tell you that Iran has ruled the Strait with an iron fist for decades, and thanks to President Trump’s unparalleled chutzpah, it has become, or will become, open to international trade for the first time ever, and when it does, which it already has, it will be the greatest political achievement the world has ever seen. We just need $1-2 billion per day to achieve our goals, and we’re counting on you for support. I will include the official White House Venmo handle at the end of this memo. The president thanks you for your attention to this matter.

As we wind down this war that’s not a war and which we technically won within the first hour, I want to remind the American people that our greatest enemy is not Iran, which has been brought to its knees by the most ruthlessly violent military force the world has ever seen, but the traitorous men and women of Congress, who for some reason think they’re allowed to have an opinion on whether or not the president can instigate unmitigated violence in another country, hurl an entire region into chaos, disturb global supply chains, and collaterally kill countless civilians in the process. As our founders made bracingly clear, there’s no room for dissent or debate in the American experiment, because civilized discussions are for liberals and weaklings, which are one in the same. The only way to achieve the kind of chest-thumping patriotism that would make our founders proud is by anointing a de facto king and allowing him to make unilateral decisions for the 340 million people he rules over. It’s what George Dubs would’ve wanted.

In closing, God bless the American people, and God bless President Trump, the most honest, righteous, and physically-fit president**** in the long and storied history of this great nation. We hope to see you all at the America 250 celebration in July, when Mr. Trump will enter into – and inevitably win – a cagematch on the White House lawn with an AI robot version of George Washington.

With dignity,
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt

Venmo: @BigAmericanBalls4547

* This does not include foreign nationals, undocumented immigrants, refugees, children who were born here but whose parents aren’t citizens, Europeans, Canadians, people from shithole countries, any citizen whose American lineage doesn’t extend back at least five generations, and Tucker Carlson. It does include Afrikaners.
** Underwhelming.
*** Crap, did I say that out loud?
**** Take that, William Taft.